I generally try to take a "live and let live" approach to parenting, that, as long as you're not abusing or neglecting your kid, it's not my place to judge. I hope to receive the same basic courtesy from others, but try not to be surprised if I don't get it. That said, the third paragraph out of the four in this article pushed my buttons.
http://mobile.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2012/06/21/cdc_and_pregnacy_rates_contraception_working_women_delaying_motherhood.html
It says that the uptick in women waiting until their 30s to have babies "should be greeted as unadorned good news. Yes, pregnancies in one's 30s have somewhat higher risks, but those risks are far outweighed by the benefit to both mothers and children if women wait until they're ready to have their babies."
I have a slew of problems with this assertion that women in their 30s are ready, whereas younger women are not, and waiting until then to have children is better for everyone.
1. It devalues the women who do choose to have children before they hit 'the big 3-0', and praises these slightly older mothers for timing that may or may not have been intentional. Do I hear some of you tongue-clucking that these mothers are not only older, but wiser? This arbitrary cut off means that the woman who goes in to labor the week after her thirtieth birthday is a paragon of prepared motherhood, but if she'd given birth in the week leading up to her birthday, she would have been one of those rash twenty-somethings, barreling in to parenthood before being "ready".
2. These "risks" that she so breezily dismisses are manifold. One of them, occurring more frequently with older mothers and/or older fathers, is an increased risk of genetic anomalies, the most visible being trisomy. Down syndrome is a type of trisomy, the other not quite as well known trisomies being of the 13th or 18th chromosome. All three of these conditions can have a sever impact on the wellbeing of the child as well as their abilities and opportunities throughout their lives. Trisomy 13 and trisomy 18 also have higher stillbirth rates and a much greater tendency toward extremely early mortality, which should not be summarily dismissed. For those who say 'those are just 3 trisomies. Humans have 23 pairs of chromosomes that could have an extra copy', that's true. Most of the other trisomies end up in miscarriage because the fetus is not viable. This is a small but very real risk, and the author should not brush it off as if there is nothing to it. Miscarriage and stillbirth are tragedies for the families, and the journey toward a happy and independent adulthood is much harder when that child has a disability or severe health problems, even now with all the social supports and medical advances available.
3. Female fertility starts declining at 28, so waiting until after 30 makes it harder to conceive a child. This can lead to a child who's just a bit later than planned, but it can also lead to years of costly and increasingly unpleasant fertility treatments, which have variable rates of success. Another hazard of the wait 'til thirty/fertility treatment rout is that if it doesn't work and the couple (or single woman, as the case may be) decides that the child is more important than the pregnancy and wants to adopt, they may have aged past the cutoff for many countries and adoption agencies. I am not trying to rush anyone in to parenthood, but I do think that this is another risk that people who want children-but not just yet, should be aware of so that they can make informed decisions.
4. It reinforces the idea that babies like mine (born before 30) must be unintended, and allows people like the work acquaintance (neither coworker nor customer, just a more frequent visitor to the worksite) to include "it was a surprise, wasn't it?" in a barrage of questions she asked when she found out I was (5 or 6 months) pregnant without feeling they ware being rude. It is EXTREMELY rude (and in her case extremely extremely none of her business). Afterwards I wanted to point out that I was married with a house, a bachelors degree, and a full time job, and ask what exactly made me unfit to have sought out motherhood, but it was a party and I had work to do.
I'm asking that Amanda Marcotte (the author of this piece) respect that woman can make good decisions with regard to childrearing, and can know for themselves whether a baby before thirty is too early or just right, and whether they are willing to deal with the increasing risks as they delay childbearing.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Garden Update
Daylilies and lilies are blooming, and the tickseed is out in full force. As for my veggies, I'm calling it on the corn; two plantings and not a single sprout. I still have the rest of the packet, so I'm planning to try again next year, at least to use them up. I'll have to look up corn-growing tips and see if there was something I missed. On the other hand, vining plants may be my new favorite veggies to grow! Why? Look at the two pictures of the melon/squash (still not sure which) now that it's steaked up. They were taken a day or two apart, and you can see it grew a good six inches plus! I had always heard and experienced that veggies were hard to grow with a variable return that was only sometimes commensurate with the gardener's effort, especially if starting from seed. Gardening can be it's own reward, but it's a lot more exciting when something I planted is growing like mad. This morning I even found the first bloom! I've also included a shot of the other little vines which are now getting their full share of sun with the big vines not sprawling all over them any more. I have 2 extremely tiny sugar baby watermelon plants going, and two somewhat bigger... something else vines. I planted cucumber, squash, watermelon, and melon seeds, and three types of vines are growing, so until they start fruiting, I'm uncertain what the other vines are. If any of you can tell from these pictures, feel free to share.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Doodle Album II
I've photographed another handful of doodles. As I mentioned in the previous Doodle Album post, I am collecting this digital album of my doodles so that I can recycle the scrap paper they are on already and get rid of some clutter.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
What Bloomed
This past week, several things came in to bloom that I don't know what they're called. The pink roses are mostly past, but the red roses are at their showiest. Buttercups are also winding down. The tiny strawberries are fruiting, although I have yet to actually get down there and pick more than a couple at a time (they're smaller than a marble, so it's more work than it may be worth to get an actual serving- if there even are that many in the whole patch). The tickseed is covered in buds that are just starting to pop.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Ms. BudgieTree's Good Deed Tips
I've been reading a series of article by Gretchen Rubin, where she gives tips, mostly aimed at having a happier life. While I agree with some tips in each list, there are other tips that seem like common sense (to reduce stress she advises getting a full tank when you buy gas. Barring times when one can't afford it- Who doesn't do this?), or seem specific to her experience (making your bed daily- another of her "stress-reducing" tips- doesn't fit if someone is still sleeping in it when you leave for work).
Given this 50-60% agreement rate, I thought I'd respond to her article, "Do Something Nice: 6 Tips for Good Deeds that Take Less Than 5 Minutes" found here
http://www.wowowow.com/lifestyle/do-something-nice-6-tips-for-good-deeds-that-take-less-than-5-minutes/
First off, here are the tips I agree with
1) "Be friendly" - hard to argue with that one.
3) "Say "no"." - as in, don't leave people hanging on a "maybe" when you know that "no" is your final answer.
4) "Sign up on the national organ-donor registry" - she mentions letting your loved ones know you're doing this, which is actually an important step- not to brag how altruistic you are, but because in many places (possibly nation-wide) they have to give permission for your organs and tissue to be used, even if you've been checking the "organ donor" box for years.
5) "Lead them not in to temptation" - this one is about not being that person who encourages others to (over-)indulge. I'll admit that sometimes I have said to my mother-in-law that "it's X holiday" when she tells me she wants something but it is not on her healthy eating plan. On the one hand, I don't want to discourage how great she's still doing (she made a major diet and exercise change several years ago and is still sticking with it) on the other hand, a holiday treat should be allowed, and I firmly believe that if you counter all the good feelings of enjoying the treat with guilt and self-chastisement, you are worse off than if you hadn't eaten it because those negative feelings are a lot easier to hang on to than the visceral enjoyment brought by sweets.
And now the points I don't necessarily agree with:
2) "Say "yes". If you can, and if you should" - the people most likely to take this advice, in my opinion, are the people who shouldn't; the chronic yes-sayers who do for everyone but themselves. Yes you technically could do that extra thing, and it is something that someone should do, but does "someone" always end up being you? Whether it's by default (others won't) or by choice (others would but you won't let them) being the person who always does more than their share can burn you out, and you need to keep a little self-care in your life.
6) "Do someone else's chore" - I have several issues with this one. I'll list them:
A. Will you do it right? Some people take on certain "little jobs" because there is a particular way that that person wants or needs them done. Whether it's the person who knows how to fill the office coffemaker so it doesn't overflow, or the person who prefers the bed made with tight hospital corners and will remake it to get them, doing someone else's chores may not end up saving them any work. If your reaction to people who like something "just so" is that they should get over it, you are not doing that chore to be nice to them, but to criticize and attempt to change them. Not a good deed.
B. The people I am concerned about following tip #2, to just say yes, are also in danger from this tip. If you are already doing so much, your loved one may well feel that you deserve to use whatever free time you're spending on their chore on yourself. If taking the 5 minutes you would have spent on this "good deed" and spending them on yourself would have improved your general mood, then that's something everyone you interact with can benefit from, not just whoever usually puts away the clean dishes.
C. Rubin describes these as the little jobs that go unnoticed when others do them, and claims that you doing them will make that person "feel appreciated and cared for". Only if they notice that you've done them. If you do an "as needed" sort of task (taking out the trash, refilling the soap pump by the sink) the person who usually does it may not realize it got done. This is fine if you just wanted to put a favor out in to the world and don't care if anyone, including the beneficiary, knows, but if you're trying to make that person "feel appreciated and cared for", you may need to do something more obvious.
D. Similarly, if you are someone who needs to be praised or thanked for your helpful activities, don't choose the favors that are easy to miss. Ideally there would be satisfaction in just knowing you helped a friend or family member, but it's perfectly normal to enjoy recognition (something to remember when you notice others helping out). If you know that you will feel bitter about what you chose to do unless you get an attaboy, you have two options: do something else (since perhaps you picked for the favor something you hate to do?) or ask that person what you can do to help them out. Sure, the spontaneous helpful act seems like the spontaneous romantic gesture's less extravagant little sister, but both of them require excellent insight to get right. The helpful act may be even more difficult to pin down, since people's favorite flavor of candy or type of flower doesn't change on a day-to-day basis, whereas, if you asked yourself "what would be the most helpful thing someone could do for me right now?" the answer could change hourly. A variation on "what can I do for you" is the specific offer of "would it help if I did X?" that way, you know you won't be asked to drive someone to the airport when you were offering to take out the trash, and vise versa. Plus you'll know that your helpfulness is actually helpful, and that they know you did it. Some of you may disagree with me giving this advice on the principle of goodness being it's own reward, or fishing for thanks being rude, but couldn't society do worse than having more helpful acts and more "thank you"s?
Here are my additions to Gretchen Rubin's list
- You don't have to wait until you're dead to save a life; give blood. Or take a CPR class (for those of you who "know" CPR because you took a class over a decade ago, consider going back; they've updated the guidelines to be more effective).
- On the highway, don't try to prevent someone from passing you by matching their speed as they accelerate. It's a jerk move, and it makes many passengers uncomfortable, and what are you trying to achieve?
- Be a better listener. Just give someone your full attention when they talk to you. It doesn't have to be all the people all the time, but it should be the people you care most about at least occasionally.
Given this 50-60% agreement rate, I thought I'd respond to her article, "Do Something Nice: 6 Tips for Good Deeds that Take Less Than 5 Minutes" found here
http://www.wowowow.com/lifestyle/do-something-nice-6-tips-for-good-deeds-that-take-less-than-5-minutes/
First off, here are the tips I agree with
1) "Be friendly" - hard to argue with that one.
3) "Say "no"." - as in, don't leave people hanging on a "maybe" when you know that "no" is your final answer.
4) "Sign up on the national organ-donor registry" - she mentions letting your loved ones know you're doing this, which is actually an important step- not to brag how altruistic you are, but because in many places (possibly nation-wide) they have to give permission for your organs and tissue to be used, even if you've been checking the "organ donor" box for years.
5) "Lead them not in to temptation" - this one is about not being that person who encourages others to (over-)indulge. I'll admit that sometimes I have said to my mother-in-law that "it's X holiday" when she tells me she wants something but it is not on her healthy eating plan. On the one hand, I don't want to discourage how great she's still doing (she made a major diet and exercise change several years ago and is still sticking with it) on the other hand, a holiday treat should be allowed, and I firmly believe that if you counter all the good feelings of enjoying the treat with guilt and self-chastisement, you are worse off than if you hadn't eaten it because those negative feelings are a lot easier to hang on to than the visceral enjoyment brought by sweets.
And now the points I don't necessarily agree with:
2) "Say "yes". If you can, and if you should" - the people most likely to take this advice, in my opinion, are the people who shouldn't; the chronic yes-sayers who do for everyone but themselves. Yes you technically could do that extra thing, and it is something that someone should do, but does "someone" always end up being you? Whether it's by default (others won't) or by choice (others would but you won't let them) being the person who always does more than their share can burn you out, and you need to keep a little self-care in your life.
6) "Do someone else's chore" - I have several issues with this one. I'll list them:
A. Will you do it right? Some people take on certain "little jobs" because there is a particular way that that person wants or needs them done. Whether it's the person who knows how to fill the office coffemaker so it doesn't overflow, or the person who prefers the bed made with tight hospital corners and will remake it to get them, doing someone else's chores may not end up saving them any work. If your reaction to people who like something "just so" is that they should get over it, you are not doing that chore to be nice to them, but to criticize and attempt to change them. Not a good deed.
B. The people I am concerned about following tip #2, to just say yes, are also in danger from this tip. If you are already doing so much, your loved one may well feel that you deserve to use whatever free time you're spending on their chore on yourself. If taking the 5 minutes you would have spent on this "good deed" and spending them on yourself would have improved your general mood, then that's something everyone you interact with can benefit from, not just whoever usually puts away the clean dishes.
C. Rubin describes these as the little jobs that go unnoticed when others do them, and claims that you doing them will make that person "feel appreciated and cared for". Only if they notice that you've done them. If you do an "as needed" sort of task (taking out the trash, refilling the soap pump by the sink) the person who usually does it may not realize it got done. This is fine if you just wanted to put a favor out in to the world and don't care if anyone, including the beneficiary, knows, but if you're trying to make that person "feel appreciated and cared for", you may need to do something more obvious.
D. Similarly, if you are someone who needs to be praised or thanked for your helpful activities, don't choose the favors that are easy to miss. Ideally there would be satisfaction in just knowing you helped a friend or family member, but it's perfectly normal to enjoy recognition (something to remember when you notice others helping out). If you know that you will feel bitter about what you chose to do unless you get an attaboy, you have two options: do something else (since perhaps you picked for the favor something you hate to do?) or ask that person what you can do to help them out. Sure, the spontaneous helpful act seems like the spontaneous romantic gesture's less extravagant little sister, but both of them require excellent insight to get right. The helpful act may be even more difficult to pin down, since people's favorite flavor of candy or type of flower doesn't change on a day-to-day basis, whereas, if you asked yourself "what would be the most helpful thing someone could do for me right now?" the answer could change hourly. A variation on "what can I do for you" is the specific offer of "would it help if I did X?" that way, you know you won't be asked to drive someone to the airport when you were offering to take out the trash, and vise versa. Plus you'll know that your helpfulness is actually helpful, and that they know you did it. Some of you may disagree with me giving this advice on the principle of goodness being it's own reward, or fishing for thanks being rude, but couldn't society do worse than having more helpful acts and more "thank you"s?
Here are my additions to Gretchen Rubin's list
- You don't have to wait until you're dead to save a life; give blood. Or take a CPR class (for those of you who "know" CPR because you took a class over a decade ago, consider going back; they've updated the guidelines to be more effective).
- On the highway, don't try to prevent someone from passing you by matching their speed as they accelerate. It's a jerk move, and it makes many passengers uncomfortable, and what are you trying to achieve?
- Be a better listener. Just give someone your full attention when they talk to you. It doesn't have to be all the people all the time, but it should be the people you care most about at least occasionally.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Baby Facts and Tips
I thought it might be fun to gather a little list of things I've learned in my time with Baby Girl.
1) FACT: at some point, someone will pee your pants. (when Baby Girl was a couple weeks old, she repeatedly peed out her diaper on to me during early evening nursing sessions. Now it's an occasional surprise)
2) TIP: when you buy something labeled as a crib sheet, before you wash it, check that it will fit your crib.
3)FACT: at some point, you will try to reason with your baby even though they are much to young to understand and cooperate.
4) TIP: if people offer to help, be clear about what kind of help you want or they'll just do what's in their nature. Not many people's default setting is "I'll change that diaper, you go take a nap"
5) FACT: your baby will do things that hurt you (biting, pinching, scratching, hair pulling) often and you will, at some point have a moment of anger about it. At the end of a long day you'll scoop them up, only to yelp in pain and scowl for a moment when they grab your lip and dig their nails in to your gums, or bite you with their sharp little baby teeth. Go ahead and chide them, that's ok to do. You may need to remind yourself that they don't know any better yet; they're a baby. You're scolding them is helping them learn.
6) TIP: guard against crazy things a baby could do, because they have a knack for the unexpected. (I was recently on a ladder, and Baby Girl crawled over and started fondly patting the bottom step, making it so I couldn't climb down without stepping on her. Now I don't climb a ladder without someone on baby duty)
1) FACT: at some point, someone will pee your pants. (when Baby Girl was a couple weeks old, she repeatedly peed out her diaper on to me during early evening nursing sessions. Now it's an occasional surprise)
2) TIP: when you buy something labeled as a crib sheet, before you wash it, check that it will fit your crib.
3)FACT: at some point, you will try to reason with your baby even though they are much to young to understand and cooperate.
4) TIP: if people offer to help, be clear about what kind of help you want or they'll just do what's in their nature. Not many people's default setting is "I'll change that diaper, you go take a nap"
5) FACT: your baby will do things that hurt you (biting, pinching, scratching, hair pulling) often and you will, at some point have a moment of anger about it. At the end of a long day you'll scoop them up, only to yelp in pain and scowl for a moment when they grab your lip and dig their nails in to your gums, or bite you with their sharp little baby teeth. Go ahead and chide them, that's ok to do. You may need to remind yourself that they don't know any better yet; they're a baby. You're scolding them is helping them learn.
6) TIP: guard against crazy things a baby could do, because they have a knack for the unexpected. (I was recently on a ladder, and Baby Girl crawled over and started fondly patting the bottom step, making it so I couldn't climb down without stepping on her. Now I don't climb a ladder without someone on baby duty)
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