I've been reading a series of article by Gretchen Rubin, where she gives tips, mostly aimed at having a happier life. While I agree with some tips in each list, there are other tips that seem like common sense (to reduce stress she advises getting a full tank when you buy gas. Barring times when one can't afford it- Who doesn't do this?), or seem specific to her experience (making your bed daily- another of her "stress-reducing" tips- doesn't fit if someone is still sleeping in it when you leave for work).
Given this 50-60% agreement rate, I thought I'd respond to her article, "Do Something Nice: 6 Tips for Good Deeds that Take Less Than 5 Minutes" found here
http://www.wowowow.com/lifestyle/do-something-nice-6-tips-for-good-deeds-that-take-less-than-5-minutes/
First off, here are the tips I agree with
1) "Be friendly" - hard to argue with that one.
3) "Say "no"." - as in, don't leave people hanging on a "maybe" when you know that "no" is your final answer.
4) "Sign up on the national organ-donor registry" - she mentions letting your loved ones know you're doing this, which is actually an important step- not to brag how altruistic you are, but because in many places (possibly nation-wide) they have to give permission for your organs and tissue to be used, even if you've been checking the "organ donor" box for years.
5) "Lead them not in to temptation" - this one is about not being that person who encourages others to (over-)indulge. I'll admit that sometimes I have said to my mother-in-law that "it's X holiday" when she tells me she wants something but it is not on her healthy eating plan. On the one hand, I don't want to discourage how great she's still doing (she made a major diet and exercise change several years ago and is still sticking with it) on the other hand, a holiday treat should be allowed, and I firmly believe that if you counter all the good feelings of enjoying the treat with guilt and self-chastisement, you are worse off than if you hadn't eaten it because those negative feelings are a lot easier to hang on to than the visceral enjoyment brought by sweets.
And now the points I don't necessarily agree with:
2) "Say "yes". If you can, and if you should" - the people most likely to take this advice, in my opinion, are the people who shouldn't; the chronic yes-sayers who do for everyone but themselves. Yes you technically could do that extra thing, and it is something that someone should do, but does "someone" always end up being you? Whether it's by default (others won't) or by choice (others would but you won't let them) being the person who always does more than their share can burn you out, and you need to keep a little self-care in your life.
6) "Do someone else's chore" - I have several issues with this one. I'll list them:
A. Will you do it right? Some people take on certain "little jobs" because there is a particular way that that person wants or needs them done. Whether it's the person who knows how to fill the office coffemaker so it doesn't overflow, or the person who prefers the bed made with tight hospital corners and will remake it to get them, doing someone else's chores may not end up saving them any work. If your reaction to people who like something "just so" is that they should get over it, you are not doing that chore to be nice to them, but to criticize and attempt to change them. Not a good deed.
B. The people I am concerned about following tip #2, to just say yes, are also in danger from this tip. If you are already doing so much, your loved one may well feel that you deserve to use whatever free time you're spending on their chore on yourself. If taking the 5 minutes you would have spent on this "good deed" and spending them on yourself would have improved your general mood, then that's something everyone you interact with can benefit from, not just whoever usually puts away the clean dishes.
C. Rubin describes these as the little jobs that go unnoticed when others do them, and claims that you doing them will make that person "feel appreciated and cared for". Only if they notice that you've done them. If you do an "as needed" sort of task (taking out the trash, refilling the soap pump by the sink) the person who usually does it may not realize it got done. This is fine if you just wanted to put a favor out in to the world and don't care if anyone, including the beneficiary, knows, but if you're trying to make that person "feel appreciated and cared for", you may need to do something more obvious.
D. Similarly, if you are someone who needs to be praised or thanked for your helpful activities, don't choose the favors that are easy to miss. Ideally there would be satisfaction in just knowing you helped a friend or family member, but it's perfectly normal to enjoy recognition (something to remember when you notice others helping out). If you know that you will feel bitter about what you chose to do unless you get an attaboy, you have two options: do something else (since perhaps you picked for the favor something you hate to do?) or ask that person what you can do to help them out. Sure, the spontaneous helpful act seems like the spontaneous romantic gesture's less extravagant little sister, but both of them require excellent insight to get right. The helpful act may be even more difficult to pin down, since people's favorite flavor of candy or type of flower doesn't change on a day-to-day basis, whereas, if you asked yourself "what would be the most helpful thing someone could do for me right now?" the answer could change hourly. A variation on "what can I do for you" is the specific offer of "would it help if I did X?" that way, you know you won't be asked to drive someone to the airport when you were offering to take out the trash, and vise versa. Plus you'll know that your helpfulness is actually helpful, and that they know you did it. Some of you may disagree with me giving this advice on the principle of goodness being it's own reward, or fishing for thanks being rude, but couldn't society do worse than having more helpful acts and more "thank you"s?
Here are my additions to Gretchen Rubin's list
- You don't have to wait until you're dead to save a life; give blood. Or take a CPR class (for those of you who "know" CPR because you took a class over a decade ago, consider going back; they've updated the guidelines to be more effective).
- On the highway, don't try to prevent someone from passing you by matching their speed as they accelerate. It's a jerk move, and it makes many passengers uncomfortable, and what are you trying to achieve?
- Be a better listener. Just give someone your full attention when they talk to you. It doesn't have to be all the people all the time, but it should be the people you care most about at least occasionally.
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