I've been reading "classic" Ann Landers columns on creators.com, and this letter, and Ann Landers's entirely unsatisfactory response, caught my attention. Here it is:
***Dear Ann Landers: My husband and I have a home on the lake where we go on weekends and vacations with our two children, their spouses and our four young grandchildren.
The problem is a 12-year-old girl who lives across the street. This child is mentally disabled and comes over all the time. She knocks on our door and looks in our windows. Every time we turn around, she is right under us. If we tell her to go home, she is back in five minutes with the same routine. She doesn't understand why she can't be at our house all the time. Our grandchildren don't understand what is wrong with her. They shout, "Go home," but she ignores them.
I feel bad for the child, but I honestly don't know how to deal with the problem. Her mother is totally oblivious and no help at all. Will you please tell us what to do about this nuisance? I am — Distressed in Dyer, Tenn.
Dear Distressed in Dyer: Please do not lose this opportunity to teach your grandchildren the importance of being kind and compassionate to people who are less fortunate than they are. That little girl should not be considered a "nuisance" when she peers in the windows and comes over uninvited. She simply is displaying natural curiosity and has no idea she is "bothering" anyone.
You say your grandchildren don't understand what is wrong with her. It is up to you to explain to them this unfortunate child's mental limitations. I hope you will do so at once.***
Now, this was originally published in (I think) 1999, but even then she does appear to have caught some flack from her readers for this ridiculous advice. Her suggestion of self-congratulatory acceptance of this girl's misbehavior, coupled with exploiting her as an object lesson to the letter writer's grandchildren about how lucky they are, does not solve the letter writer's issue of her invading their trips to the lake house, or even help the 12 year old girl.
I thought about putting my response in letter form, but I'm a list-maker, so here it goes.
Why Ann's Answer is Wrong:
1. Ann seems to assume that this girl could not be taught to behave any better, and in general, that just isn't true. While I do not know this girl, her diagnosis(es), or her learning style, for many people with mental challenges, it's not that they are incapable of learning, they just may need more repetition than others, or tasks broken down in to smaller steps.
2. She suggests that the girl "should not be considered a "nuisance"" for doing these things, but a change in attitude will not make her less underfoot, make it less rude of her to peek in their windows, make it less awkward or inconvenient when they need her to go home and she doesn't go or goes and comes right back. This is not an issue of perception, it is an issue of actual problem behavior.
3. Ann does not take in to account that this is an entire extra child to keep an eye on, and one with special needs at that. There are already four grandchildren in the group. An additional child who, according to the letter does not follow their instructions, is a lot of extra work to keep safe. This family does not appear to have been told anything about this neighbor girl's pool of knowledge or the nature of her limitations, information that they would need if they were expected to be responsible for her. Does she recognize poison ivy? Does she react appropriately to wild animals? Is she deathly allergic to bees? They don't know.
4. Her answer also goes against the current movement in the disability community (people with disabilities and their supporters). They do not want people with disabilities to be treated as "less fortunate"; they want them to be treated as equals. Folks with disabilities may face different challenges, but they are still people just like everyone else.
5. She suggests that the letter writer "explain to [the grandkids] this unfortunate child's mental limitations". Even if the letter writer were privy to the girl's diagnosis(es), that information is not the grandchildren's business. Also, given the lack of kindness they currently show her, I would want to be more sure of their moral character before explaining to them how to take advantage of this girl.
My Corrections to the Above Wrongs:
1. It is the responsibility of her parents and other support people (teachers, involved relatives and family friends, service coordinators, social workers) to teach her how to behave in her community. They should figure out the areas where she needs improvement, in this case boundaries, and break it down and work on it with her in ways that take in to account her needs, abilities, and learning style.
2. If the girl's behavior were to improve, the letter writer (and family) might be more tolerant of her when she is around.
3. It is dangerous and unfair to expect these people to watch their neighbor's child whenever she feels like coming across the street. And there is always the possibility that they might be out of the house or not know she's even there TO watch. (They could be out and a car still be in the driveway/a light still on, or the only person/people home could be sleeping, showering or ill)
4. Don't harp on her difference or call her "less fortunate" just as you wouldn't if there were a neighbor child who was orphaned, or followed a different religion, or had a blended family, or was poor or had a speech impediment. Of course, I'm here assuming that the adults involved have the good sense not to make a big to do about those things when such a child stopped by.
5. These grandchildren do know that the neighbor girl is different, so they do need to have mental disabilities explained to them in a compassionate and age appropriate manner. They also need to be instructed on treating people with respect.
What Else to Do:
In addition to teaching the grandchildren about respect, they also need to flat out tell them to stop yelling "Go home" at the girl. Not only is it rude, but it's not even working to get her to go away. All it is doing is loudly informing any other neighbors that these grandkids may have a bratty streak.
The letter writer says that the girl's mother is "oblivious" and "no help", but it is not clear if anyone has specifically spoken to her about this issue or what they've said. One of the adults from this family needs to politely but firmly explain to this woman that her daughter has been doing X, Y and Z, and it is a problem. Ideally they would be able to break the ice with something positive, like how friendly the girl is, and end with saying that they'd be happy to schedule a time for her to play with the grandkids (assuming the grandkids can learn to treat her better). If the grandkids are all teens, then they are too old for adults to be setting up play dates for them, and the adult cannot offer that.
There is no requirement that this family offer to give this mother a break from time to time, but if they were up to it, it could certainly be a kind and neighborly thing to do. If they're not up to it, they absolutely must not make an offer that they have no intention of ever following through on.
If this mother refuses to see a problem, then they need to talk to someone else, like the girl's father, another adult family member, or her teacher or social worker (if she has one). The girl cannot continue wandering the neighborhood and joining whoever happens to be around like this.
Potential dangers, some of which were brought up on the on line discussion board, include: she could fall victim to a pedophile or kidnapper, she could get injured and no one would know about it or be able to help, she could be reported to the police as a trespasser or even a prowler or peeping tom, some neighbor could decide the wandering was a sign of neglect and call Children's Services, she could fall under negative influences such as other teens/preteens who are in to shoplifting or drinking alcohol without her parents being aware of these new "friends", she could be exploited financially either due to not understanding the value of money or out of a desire to please people and make friends, she could be exposed to something she is allergic to and have no one around who knows what to do about her anaphylactic reaction, the list goes on. If no one is keeping track of her she could go missing and it wouldn't be noticed, or she could be safe and sound visiting with someone and her mother couldn't find her and would think she was missing.
A basic tenant of parenting is to supervise children when they go beyond the point where you can trust them, (whether it's trusting them to use the microwave but not the stove, or walk to the friend's house next door but not the one 1/4 mile away and across three streets) and this girl's parents aren't doing that. They may be intentionally under-watching, or they may simply be over-trusting, but either way she needs more instruction and supervision to help her adapt to and be integrated in her community.
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